Conflict has this strange way of transforming ordinary people into attorneys. When you really think about it, when we are upset with someone, we collect evidence, begin planning out the arguments arguments in the shower and then anticipate every defense the other person might offer. Maybe we begin telling other people who will validate our perspective or become witnesses for our side of the conflict. By the time we finally speak to the person who hurt us it is not a conversation anymore, we are instead entering a courtroom, and the verdict has already been decided.
Indeed, We tell ourselves that we only want the truth. But if we are truly being honest, more times than we would like to admit, we want something else. We want to be proven right, to be vindicated. We want the other person to feel the weight of what they did wrong and we want an apology that is delivered on our terms.
Christ gives His Church a different way.
In Matthew 18, the Lord tells the offended believer to go directly to the one who sinned against him. That sounds simple until we have to actually do it. Going privately means surrendering the satisfaction and the support garnished when we tell everyone else first. It means refusing to turn another person’s failure into a weapon against their reputation, all to often we tear people down from afar without actually accomplishing anything. But confronting someone privately means entering the room believing that restoration and reconciliation are still possible.
Yes, confrontation requires strength as much as it requires courage but Christ calls us to humility in the circumstance. After speaking with our brother or sister, we may discover that we misunderstood what had actually happened. That is to say, we very well might learn that information was missing. We may even realize that although someone genuinely hurt us, our pride, assumptions, or response added new sin, our sin, to the conflict.
Christ-like humility does not mean we pretend that wrongdoing or that hurt does not matter. Biblical reconciliation is built upon truth, not avoidance of conflict. Love sometimes requires us to say, “What happened was wrong.” Yet the purpose of that truth is not humiliation. It is to bring what has been hidden into the light so repentance, forgiveness, and healing can begin.
If the conflict becomes elevated to the point where there is no reconciliation without others becoming involved, that doesn’t mean that they show up as reinforcements but rather, to bring wisdom, clarity, and accountability, in order to help everyone involved submit to the Word of God. So when conflict among Christians arises the question is never merely, “Who won?” The question is, “Have we honored Christ, and can this relationship be restored?”
This is the standard that the Gospel itself has established. The Lord did not stay on His throne as we destroyed ourselves in sin. No, Christ came to us, He taught us the truth about our broken condition and instead of demanding justice for our sin, He took upon Himself the wrath that was rightly due to us. God’s justice demanded a punishment and Christ paid it on our behalf. At the cross, justice was not ignored, and mercy was not withheld. Through His blood, we who were enemies of God were reconciled and adopted, welcomed as children.
So, before confronting someone, Christ calls us to examine the desired outcome. Maybe we should begin to ask, would we still have the conversation if nobody else ever learned that we were right? Do we want repentance, or do we want to destroy our opponent, do we want simply to win? Are we prepared to confess our own failures as readily as we identify theirs? Do we want to win, or do we want to deepen the relationship?
Christian maturity does not mean the absence of conflict. Maturity in Christ is learning to enter conflict as people who have already been reconciled to God and so we do not fight to destroy one another. Instead, We fight against the sin threatening our fellowship, because winning back a brother is infinitely better than merely winning an argument.
When offenses come forward, we have three options, to seek justice, to ignore it, or to willfully forgive and let it go. Ignoring is never the option for a Christian because ignoring interpersonal conflict only builds resentment toward the individual, leaving us with two options, if we must confront, let us confront like Christians. If we must let us go, let us forgive like Christians, but in all things that arise, let us be a people who honor Christ not only our words, but in our actions as well.
This where we play our role in church unity. Christian unity does not require us to become cookie-cutter Christians nor does it necessitate that we are in blind agreement with everything our brothers and sisters, our church, or even our pastor thinks regarding non-Scriptural issues and it doesn’t mean that we should be ignoring sin to “keep the peace.” Rather, church unity is found when people who see things differently begin to come together from opposite sides under the Scripture in submission to the Lord.
The church, the bride of Christ, was purchased by His blood, and this means that we must never be willing to tear it apart over pride, gossip, or personal preference. Indeed, Every private conversation, humble confession, and act of forgiveness protects more than one relationship it protects the witness of the entire church in our community thereby showing the world that Christ reconciles sinners not only to God, but also to one another.